Friday, 29 January 2016

A baby lost and a new life found

Recently would have been my third baby's due date. I lost that baby at 11 weeks. As painful as it was, it taught me so much about my family, my husband and myself, and I wanted to share that with you. 

Sometimes as a housewife, I can feel disillusioned by my husband. I can wonder if he does anything in the house, if he disciplines the kids at all and if I am respected or appreciated. These thoughts are not fair on my very hard-working Mr. K - they simply come from my being burnt out. But when this happened, he laid everything down. He took two weeks off work (a huge sacrifice for him), he looked after the kids entirely and cleaned the house, while sending me to bed - did I mention he even bought me a cat to keep me company?! He was exactly what I needed, and it taught me never to underestimate, nor disrespect him and his role. 

Secondly, our families. It's hard to know how to react to a miscarriage, but I was overwhelmed by them. Our fathers - both stolid, unemotional men, called frequently and grieved like they had lost a grandchild - which of course they had. I can't express to you the courage that gave me. Courage to feel the loss of my child, not to sweep my pain under the rug. 

And finally, myself. It made me face up to certain realities, namely my mental health and the affect it has on my family. Another post on this later. 

This experience has made me change my views on several things, and strengthen my views on others. I did not want that baby; or, I didn't want it then. Now I am open to any babies God will bless me with. I realise I may feel differently after multiples, or number 4 or number 6, but that's where I am right now. Children are a blessing - you've heard it time and time again. And yes, it's hard to feel it when they're throwing a tantrum or telling you No, they DON'T love you, or you just feel so overwhelmed you're not sure you can go on. But now I understand, truly, that they are that blessing. Losing one baby has given me the opportunity to love the ones I have even more fiercely. 

Lastly, and it's the controversial one (but I offer no apology). I was already opposed to abortion: I feel my God opposes it and therefore I did too. However now it's personal. Now I understand what it's like to be pregnant and then suddenly not be, and I find the idea of doing it on purpose abhorrent. My baby was loved: by myself, my husband, our families and our friends. I know that's not true for all babies. However my baby was a person who would have had thought and feelings. They could have been anything they wanted: they could have changed the world. They would have changed my world. I don't know why God took my baby so early. But I know it's not my place - nor anyone else's - to make that decision for another soul. 

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